Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Jerry Falwell

Jerry Falwell was a religious man.

Jerry Falwell lived according to his principles.

This, we will hear over and over again.

Being religious doesn't make you a good person. A life lived according to principles is only as good a life as those principles allow.

Jerry Falwell thought we deserved 9-11 and Katrina and he thought that because he's an anti-homosexual bigot. That was one of his principles: that it's bad to be gay.

Jerry Falwell thought that a Teletubbie was gay and indoctrinating toddlers in all matters of Gaydom.

Jerry Falwell can't take a joke and in that he made his best contribution to society by losing a lawsuit against Larry Flynt in front of the Supreme Court.

So if the rules of polite society dictate that I have to say something nice about Jerry Falwell then I want to thank him for the thin-skinned crusade over a joke that would have been forgotten and for all he did for free speech by fighting and failing.

In his most bitter defeat, he gave us a boon.

If there's a heaven and Jerry Falwell is in it, that's the only thing that would have gotten him past St. Peter. Too bad I don't believe in that stuff. It would be fun to imagine.

(Falwell stands nervously at the gates to heaven. St. Peter sees him and laughs.)

St. Peter: Bet you're worried.

Falwell: Actually, I little. I know I shouldn't be...

St. Peter: Oh, you should be. Racism, homophobia, illegal use of donated proceeds for political purposes, a willingness to take money from poor people who could ill-afford to send you their hard-earned money...

Falwell: I thought I was doing the Lord's work.

St. Peter: Jerry, we're talking about God here. If he wanted money from poor people he'd just, you know, take it.

Falwell: Oh.

St. Peter: But, you did help free speech.

Falwell: I did?

St. Peter: Not on purpose. You were trying to stop it. But that's why we like you, Jer. Your incompetence outweighs your misdeeds.

(The gates open.)

St. Peter: You will, uh, have to do about ten million years community service. Mostly picking up trash and cleaning the mansions of dead homosexuals. You don't have a problem with that, do you?

Falwell: No sir. No, not at all.

St. Peter: And, for once, try to do a good job. We can always change our minds and send you somewhere else.

Falwell: Hell?

St. Peter: Baghdad. You know, on second thought, you should clean the mansions of the war-dead as well. Only fair.


At 4:28 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do believe in a heaven butI do not think that Falwell will be getting one of the better spots.
If being born again could be rescinded, Falwell would be well on his way to hell if there was such a place.


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