Letter from a Radical Cleric

Josh Marshall at talkingpointsmemo.com brings us a gem of a letter, from "radical cleric" Bob Jones, of Bob Jones University.

I'm going to paste the letter in for you in a moment, with some commentary, of course. But, I want to draw your attention to Josh's new, I think worthy, project -- he's decided to apply the bon mots of Middle East journalism to Americans. How many times have you read that a Middle Easterner who is critical of American policies is a "radical cleric" or "Islamist extremist" or some such variation? Nobody in the American press ever calls Pat Robertson a "radical cleric" or a "Christian Extremist" even though it would be at least as factually accurate as anything written about the Mullahs in Iran. So, let's try, in our own writings, to treat people equally, shall we?

Anyway, here's the letter, with my commentary throughout.

Dear Mr. President:

The media tells us that you have received the largest number of popular votes of any president in America's history. Congratulations!

COMMENT: What Bob wants to say but doesn't is, "See? Speaking here in 2000 wasn't such a bad move! Also, I'm really glad you beat a Catholic. I hate Catholics." More letter...

In your re-election, God has graciously granted America—though she doesn't deserve it—a reprieve from the agenda of paganism. You have been given a mandate. We the people expect your voice to be like the clear and certain sound of a trumpet. Because you seek the Lord daily, we who know the Lord will follow that kind of voice eagerly.

COMMENT: Kerry was a pagan? The election was about paganism? Guess I missed the debate on paganism. More letter...

Don't equivocate. Put your agenda on the front burner and let it boil. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ. Honor the Lord, and He will honor you.

COMMENT: Did he just say that Bush owns Christ? I think he did. "They despise your Christ. Yo, Jesus, Bush owns yo' crack ass! More letter...

Had your opponent won, I would have still given thanks, because the Bible says I must (I Thessalonians 5:18). It would have been hard, but because the Lord lifts up whom He will and pulls down whom He will, I would have done it. It is easy to rejoice today, because Christ has allowed you to be His servant in this nation for another presidential term. Undoubtedly, you will have opportunity to appoint many conservative judges and exercise forceful leadership with the Congress in passing legislation that is defined by biblical norm regarding the family, sexuality, sanctity of life, religious freedom, freedom of speech, and limited government. You have four years—a brief time only—to leave an imprint for righteousness upon this nation that brings with it the blessings of Almighty God.

COMMENT: There must be something in Thessalonians about respecting the electoral college. One thing that isn't in the Bible, even as I look through the chapter called "Judges" is anything about appointing judges. More letter...

Christ said, “If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall also my servant be: if any man serve me, him will my father honour” (John 12:26).

COMMENT: Fine. But if Jesus wants to be co-President or something, he should have declared his own candidacy. Shouldn't we have at least been able to scrutinize his Viet Nam record? Where was he? Supposedly, he was on our side, but we lost! More letter...

The student body, faculty, and staff at Bob Jones University commit ourselves to pray for you—that you would do right and honor the Savior. Pull out all the stops and make a difference. If you have weaklings around you who do not share your biblical values, shed yourself of them. Conservative Americans would love to see one president who doesn't care whether he is liked, but cares infinitely that he does right.

COMMENT: Get rid of the weaklings! Get rid of the weaklings! Does Bob want Dubya to make Arnold Schwarzenegger Secretary of Everything? And, the salutation...

Best wishes.

Sincerely your friend,

Bob Jones III
President

COMMENTARY: Bob Jones thinks HE'S President! Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!